Thoughts

I've been pretty absent in a lot of ways. Let me explain....

I haven't been feeling well. Mentally. Emotionally. This has been going on for about three weeks now.

Plus, I'm preoccupied with actually attempting to make money. This has been going on for about two weeks now. Although not so much this week.

Plus, I am no longer taking medication to regulate my hormones and episodes. This has been going on for about three days. So far, not too bad. Mostly collapsing and weakness, not episodes of delirium and seizure. I do have difficulty thinking clearly. Time will tell.

Plus, we're having a housewarming brunch on Sunday morning! So I must stare at a corner of the room for three hours attempting to determine how I need to "fix" it. Or I must walk around with an object, back and forth from one end of the apartment to the other and then back again, trying to find "its place". Or give up and put it in a give-away box.

And I feel like I am spinning. Constantly.

I am trying to be better prepared, to simplify, to breathe and accept. It probably sounds dramatic, but really, I am fine. I have been attempting to cope with... myself... for my whole life and it has gotten easier and easier the more time passes. I cannot do The Right Thing all the time. I cannot feel good or motivated all the time. It's okay. It's all okay.

I've been making time to do yoga, read for pleasure, and drink delicious tea because it makes me feel better just to be able to do something simple. It makes me feel like I can do more. And I have been. Little by little. Today I cleaned the bathroom, swept and mopped, washed dishes, and still went out with a friend to a local bookstore without it grating on me. More on my treasures later.

For now I am going back to my kitchen because the cabinets are a mess and the idea of organizing them seems both soothing and productive. I suppose it doesn't matter at all that they're a mess, but then it doesn't really matter if I waste every single day doing nothing. I don't act on the basis of whether or not it matters. I just do what I feel like I need to do in order to be right in my soul. And sometimes I do what I feel like doing instead.

Who is a goddess of balance? I need to invite her to my brunch.